Fuck this

God, life is so hypocritical. I mean what the hell. We get taught to talk about our feelings, yet when we reach a certain age, we're told to grow up. To control our feelings. And when we learn to 'control' our feelings, people are proud of us because we're finally growing up. Have we ever thought about what this 'controlling our feelings' really means? It means we're allowed to feel, but only so much. You can only show so much. You can be sad, but you can only cry so much. You can be angry, but you sure as hell better not show it. You can be happy, but there's even a limit to that. There's a limit to everything in this damn world. Some just last longer than others. We're told to stuff our feelings, to a certain limit. Then they tell us to share our feelings. Of course our reaction is going to be negative, you've been telling us not to show too much feeling. It's exhausting. You start doing what they say, only showing so much feeling and it becomes practice and then you realize that it would so much easier if you just didn't feel anything at all. And isn't that the truth? If you don't feel anything at all, they can't say you're showing too much feeling. Although they do yell at you for not showing enough feeling. There's no winning in this world is there? It doesn't matter what you do, you're not good enough yet, not perfect enough yet. There's always room to grow they say. You can always work on bettering yourself they say. Well, I don't know about you but I'm fucking sick of it. Yeah, maybe there was a time where I would've done just that. But why work on bettering yourself if no one is actually going to care? As long as they see what they want to see, it doesn't matter. If you say what they want to hear, do what they want you to do, they don't really care besides that, do they? This society is fucking suffocating. Oh and there's the pressure too. God is there pressure. Pressure from parents, friends, society, even strangers. There's just so much pressure coming from everywhere. I have to be better than all my siblings, especially Cierra. Oh god, if I make a mistake there Cierra did, there will be so much heat with that. I have to be smart, I have to know what to do, I have to be the better example all the time. And when I make a mistake it's so much worse because people expect so much more out of me. People hold me to their expectations, even though I may never be able to reach it. I might not even want to reach it, but I'm expected to. This is bullshit. To hell with all of this. Why does this even matter? What's the point of it? They say it'll get better, just hang in there, they say. Bullshit. How many years have I been 'hanging in there'? God, I am so done. And they don't see shit. Probably because I'm so good at covering it up. All they see is a normal teenager, who deals with normal problems. Yeah, but they don't see all the problems that aren't normal. Although they're probably alot more normal in society now, huh? Everything is suffocating and it takes so much effort not to succumb to it. People move on, you know. I know they will too. They'll get over it, they have to. You know, they spent alot of money on Cierra in those stupid therapy sessions and they knew she was playing them. But they just kept doing it. And doing it. You know how many times my mother brought me? 3 I believe. Then she stopped because she didn't want to spend the money. Just talk to her, she said. God, she doesn't understand. Whatever. Doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. I'm so sick of it. Of fighting. It doesn't actually matter anyway. I'm tired all the time. Physically and mentally. I'm so done with fighting the wave, it would be so much easier if I just let it wash over me, bring me under. I guess there's only 3 words to describe what I'm trying to say. I give up. I am done. Whatever, this is getting to be too stressful, so I'm gonna go now. I'm sorry that I don't have any fighting words to say this time. 


Your pal, Wendy